On Coming Out and Modern Times

I have a couple friends who, okay, this might offend some people, but they can’t match an outfit. They can’t shop. They don’t even talk with a lisp or a limp wrist. I think they might be straight, but I don’t want to offend them by asking if they’re straight. I mean, it’s not a big deal anymore. There are straight people everywhere. But I’m not just going to ask. That would be rude.

But every day, I mean, am I the only one who sees how obvious it is? I have all of these guy friends and all their friends are guys, except one or two girls who they act really suspicious around. Should I assume? Should I invite my male friends — and these “girls” — to events at my apartment? Is that the polite thing to do if you don’t know?

They drink beer. I like beer, too, but that doesn’t mean they’re gay or I’m straight. Oh my god, my liking of beer doesn’t mean I’m straight does it? Because the vagina, it creeps me out a little bit and I’m not sure I could fit my square peg into that hole. Whoa, pardon the pun.

So I guess I’ll just wait until my straight friends come out of their mismatched, haven’t-shopped-since-I-got-my-driver’s-permit closets. Then it’ll be obvious. Those girls, they must be girlfriends. But they’re friends with multiple girls. Oh well, straight thing. Slutty. You know how they can be with girls and hookups and all that nonsense at the bars.

How Ridiculous is This?

The “Jodie Foster Incident” at last night’s Golden Globes has prompted me to think just a little. Why the hell did I have to come out, but none of my straight friends had to have a deep discussion about the meaning of love and confess their unending love of women to me? Why the double standard? What is “coming out” anyway? My black friends don’t walk into a room and announce their skin color (usually). My blonde friends don’t have deep, heartfelt conversations about the meaning of having a genetic defect determine their hair color.

Who the fuck cares? Honestly. Why do I have to tell? Why do you have to know? Why can’t kids everywhere just wake up tomrorow, go date someone, and it doesn’t matter what gender it is? If we’re going to talk seriously about LGBT rights and marriage equality, then we have to talk about coming out.

Who cares about Jodie Foster’s sexual orientation? Or mine? Other than the guy I’m dating and the woman she recently broke up with after quite some time, who does it affect? If the answer is anything other than “no one” then we can safely assume that’s due to selfishness, bias, or bigotry. Right?

Coming out is stupid. News flash: I find some members of the human race attractive, and I date them, and I love one of them, and that makes me really happy.

How controversial and unexpected.