Checkout and Check Out

March 30th, 2013

I know that the line at the supermarket is called the “checkout lane” but is it really necessary for customers to pay for their groceries in 2013 by using a paper check? I mean, really, could we get just a bit more archaic? Maybe you should show up to the supermarket with 14 buffalo skins and 3 oxen to pay for your weekly meal. Maybe that works with your perception of how high-tech this world is. A paper check? I resent these people. I resent them.

What I really want to know is why people would rather pay with a check than with their debit or credit card. Today’s bank accounts come with a debit card for free, as a standard feature. You can’t NOT get the debit card. That’s like going to Five Guys and asking them to hold the beef. Um, I don’t think so. Basically, everyone in the universe has a debit card that takes one swipe, the “process as credit” button, and 3 seconds to print a receipt. Done.

Because I have lots of time to think about pointless shit in line when the caveman in front of me pays with rabbit pelts (or when the lady in front of me pays with a paper check, same thing), I’ve created a list of plausible reasons why someone would pay with a check at the supermarket.

1. It is More Convenient

Back when I was your age, we had to pay for our groceries in rabbit skins and flint! FLINT, I tell you. Checks are a big improvement. You should just be lucky that they invented paper currency somewhere around 1984, before you were born!

2. The Funds Take Longer to Process

I am shopping for groceries with money that I do not have, and the long period of time it takes to process a check will allow me to deposit that money AFTER I buy my three boxes of Froot by the Foot. Except, oh yeah, checks now debit instantly against a customer’s account just like debit cards.

3. I Hate Technology

Debit cards are scary because, as even my grandchildren know, I swore off of all technological developments to happen in the Western world after 1978. I have a record player in my car.

4. I Want to Make the World Suffer

The most plausible argument. Gays are marrying, women are working outside the home even though they have young children, and no one goes to church anymore. People are always in a hurry, texting, and working overtime. I hate the world, and I will force you to slow down and think about it by writing this here archaic check. Did I mention that you’re just lucky I’m not paying in rabbit furs and frankincense?

Musically Speaking

March 25th, 2013

The key to an enjoyable life is an ever-increasing iTunes library that knows no bounds. In that spirit, I think it’s time to broaden the horizons of my 14 readers with some new tunes. That is, of course, if these tunes have not already been added to the 600-gig iTunes library that you 14 people already possess.

“Entertainment” by Phoenix

Okay, so I’ve been a fan of Phoenix for a very long time. When I first started being a Phoenix fan, it was because I was a borderline hipster (with better taste in clothes because I was more of a gayster) and they were obscure. Then, they became super-dancy and designer, and so did I. So we grew together. Their new single, “Entertainment,” is a knockout. It sounds like a Chinese restaurant on Broadway. Love it. Can’t wait to see them in concert for a third time.

“Anything Could Happen” by Ellie Goulding

This song is not new. It’s not going to be unfamiliar to most people. But it does bear mentioning, just in case someone who reads this fair blog has not already embraced their inner Ellie fan. Anything really could happen. You could like Ellie Goudling. You could LOVE her, like I do. You could even put this song in rotation during cardio workouts! It’s good. Listen!

“I Can Only Imagine” by David Guetta

I can only imagine how slowly I would run my daily 5k every morning if David Guetta wasn’t a real person who made the best music for gyms everywhere. This is another song in a long line of Guetta hits that I crank during shoulder workouts, ab exercises, 5K races, stair climbing. You get my drift. Imagine yourself listening to this song, and then actuall do it in real life.

That’s all for now! You can thank me for your newly awesome iTunes library later. Or now, if you want — comments are open.

Embrace Your Inner Pink

March 23rd, 2013

There’s something magical about pink, isn’t there? I mean, it’s this color that is kind of controversial, especially when you use a neon shade of it as a male. I am male, and this is now a pink blog. So, call up Page Six and alert the Daily News, Vintage has a scandal on its hands!

I just thought that, after 12 years of designing mostly blue blogs, I would try my hand at something a bit edgier. I’ve always had this seriously great relationship with pink because I think that it really is the best color ever. Right? I mean, a guy wears pink and you go “that’s a confident guy” and you feel good. Or you go “that’s a gay guy” and you feel comforted, because gay guys are friendly. Usually. Or you see a dog wearing pink and you go, “that owner is totally spoiling their dog.”

The message pink sends is one of confidence, individuality, and just a touch of spoiled. If there is a better color to describe the very essence of my being, I have yet to find it. But you can bet if (or when) I do, it’ll be Vintage’s primary color.

Also, check out that Philadelphia skyline. That’s what my soul looks like inside, I am pretty sure. Anyway, enjoy the new design. It’s near and dear to my (probably pink) heart. Certainly, it matches my pink sweater. One of them, anyway.

Portman Thoughts

March 21st, 2013

Last week, Ohio Sen. Rob Portman, a conservative Republican, announced in an editorial that he was officially changing his position on marriage equality. For the entirety of his political career until that point, Portman was a typical Republican. He believed that marriage was between a man and a woman, that there were no exceptions available, and that it was the government’s responsibility to legislate that morality and force it upon the masses.

Portman’s reason for changing his opinion is intensely personal but just as admirable: Two years ago, his own son came out to him as gay. In the two years that have elapsed since that moment, Portman has come to believe that his gay son deserves the exact same opportunities as his two other, heterosexual children. It’s a common-sense, duh-worthy position. But it’s not the obvious one for Republicans who feel either morally compelled or electorally challenged to support an anti-marriage-equality position.

In the time since Portman’s editorial, he has been attacked by fellow conservatives as everything from a sinner to a flip-flopper to a “Republican In Name Only,” or RINO. Liberals have attacked Portman for not having enough empathy to change his position until the issue affected his own son. This really misses the point in a big way.

Marriage equality will have its future tested before the Supreme Court next Tuesday, March 26th. Justices will hear a case regarding California’s Proposition 8, which could lead to marriage equality in all 50 states via the Constitution’s right to equal protection. A case regarding the federal Defense of Marriage Act, signed in the mid-90s by President Clinton, could result in federal recognition of same-sex marriages for the first time ever.

When the stakes are this high, liberals do themselves a disservice to criticize any person who embraces their position on the key civil rights issue of our generation. Sure, it would’ve been nice for Rob Portman to support the cause all along. He didn’t, but he does now, at a key moment in the movement’s history.

As a gay American and someone who does very much hope to get married someday, the next week will be key. The court’s decision, expected in June, will be either a major liberation or a significant setback. Portman’s decision to be the first elected Republican to support marriage equality, though, is a moment of liberation no matter its context, reasons, or asterisks. And that is something that I, and every intelligent gay man and lesbian woman in America, absolutely must recognize at this critical time.

March 16th, 2013

Shamrock Shake season, yay.

Shamrock Shake season, yay.

March 6th, 2013

Well...yeah.

Well…yeah.