Checkout and Check Out

I know that the line at the supermarket is called the “checkout lane” but is it really necessary for customers to pay for their groceries in 2013 by using a paper check? I mean, really, could we get just a bit more archaic? Maybe you should show up to the supermarket with 14 buffalo skins and 3 oxen to pay for your weekly meal. Maybe that works with your perception of how high-tech this world is. A paper check? I resent these people. I resent them.

What I really want to know is why people would rather pay with a check than with their debit or credit card. Today’s bank accounts come with a debit card for free, as a standard feature. You can’t NOT get the debit card. That’s like going to Five Guys and asking them to hold the beef. Um, I don’t think so. Basically, everyone in the universe has a debit card that takes one swipe, the “process as credit” button, and 3 seconds to print a receipt. Done.

Because I have lots of time to think about pointless shit in line when the caveman in front of me pays with rabbit pelts (or when the lady in front of me pays with a paper check, same thing), I’ve created a list of plausible reasons why someone would pay with a check at the supermarket.

1. It is More Convenient

Back when I was your age, we had to pay for our groceries in rabbit skins and flint! FLINT, I tell you. Checks are a big improvement. You should just be lucky that they invented paper currency somewhere around 1984, before you were born!

2. The Funds Take Longer to Process

I am shopping for groceries with money that I do not have, and the long period of time it takes to process a check will allow me to deposit that money AFTER I buy my three boxes of Froot by the Foot. Except, oh yeah, checks now debit instantly against a customer’s account just like debit cards.

3. I Hate Technology

Debit cards are scary because, as even my grandchildren know, I swore off of all technological developments to happen in the Western world after 1978. I have a record player in my car.

4. I Want to Make the World Suffer

The most plausible argument. Gays are marrying, women are working outside the home even though they have young children, and no one goes to church anymore. People are always in a hurry, texting, and working overtime. I hate the world, and I will force you to slow down and think about it by writing this here archaic check. Did I mention that you’re just lucky I’m not paying in rabbit furs and frankincense?